Broken, A Phanfiction about Depression
by SageBean
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING : DEPRESSION, SELF HARM AND SUICIDE? READ AT OWN RISK Also fluff. :)
1. Chapter 1

DAN'S POV.  
I stopped and put down the knife. I had been hacking at the same place now for almost 20 minutes and I still wasn't  
bleeding. I was close to though, just a few layers of skin left. Ugh the knife was blunt but it was the only one I had  
at the moment. At least it was serrated.

Shit! I thought. I could hear Phil coming up the stairs.  
'Dan?' I rolled down the sleeve of my shirt, flung the knife under my pillow and wiping my face dry I grabbed my laptop and  
switched it on just as Phil entered my room.  
'Dan it's time for- Dan, are you alright? Have you been...Crying?' Phil looked generally concerned.  
'Uh, I just poked myself in the eye so my eyes were watering' Wow quick thinking Dan, Soooo believable  
'Well if you're sure. Um dinners ready, if you're hungry, Its pizza.' I sighed and closed my laptop lid.  
'Alright then' I pushed past my best friend and went downstairs to the kitchen where the smell of hot pizza wafted from  
the counter. I grabbed a plate from the cupboard and piled a few slices of pizza onto it. I did the same with another plate,  
for Phil, he had already cut the pizza . There was a knife glistening on the counter next to the now opened box of pizza,  
I might steal that later, when Phil goes to bed.  
'Phil? Are you coming?' I called just as he entered the kitchen.  
'No.' He says jokingly as he gets his plate and sits down at the table, opposite me. We talk for awhile about games and  
how our channels are coming along until Phil finally says,  
'It's late, I'll talk to you tomorrow, Night Dan.'  
'Night' I mumbled back, just loud enough so that he would hear me.  
Phil agreed to go back upstairs whilst I did the dishes, not forgetting to take the sharper knife back upstairs with me,  
hidden inside my sleeve. I locked my door, pulled up my sleeve and dragged the blade against my skin. The pain was  
relieving whilst blood seeped out onto my bare, scar-ridden wrist I collapsed backwards onto my bed. Phil could never  
know, If he did he would hate me forever. Sweet, loving, caring Phil. The only light in my otherwise bleak existence.  
That couldn't happen. Phil was the only one keeping me alive and if he hated me I  
would die, Physically and emotionally. I sighed and pulled down my sleeve, kicked the knife under my bed and fell asleep.  
Once again I would make it through the night.


	2. Chapter 2

DANS POV

I woke up on my bed, as per usual and looked to my right to see Phil bringing me breakfast in bed.  
'Morning sleepyhead, didn't know if you'd ever wake up.' Phil chuckled.  
'No I'm dead, My spirit is talking to you from the other world' I replied in a deadly serious tone, but winked.  
'Oh no Dan, if you're dead then you won't be able to have any of these delicious pancakes. I'll have to eat them all mys-'  
At this I shot up, snatched the plate from his hands and started eating. This caused Phil to burst into un controlable laughter 'Alive now!' I half shouted. It was muffled by the fact that my mouth was choc-full of the last of my pancakes. Phil was a really good cook.

'Dan! Guess what day it is!' Phil said, giving my arm a slight shake.  
'Crap! What?!' I cried, suddenly filled with panic. I jumped out of bed and started to flail my arms around wildly in a panic  
'We're going to Australia you idiot!' Phil Laughed. I panicked more.  
'Waaait.' I said, full of suspicion and doubt.  
Phil was snickering with the evilist grin on his face  
'YOU EVIL SON-OF-A-BITCH! THATS NEXT MONTH YOU'RE SO DEAD! HOW DID I EVEN FALL FOR THAT!?' I yelled smacking him round the head with my Free! pillow.  
'H-H-Haru-chan' This made me burst out laughing which weakened me enough for Phil to grab a pillow himself, thinking back to our cosplay video I replied with,  
'Makado' Although the lines in the video were the other way around It still made Phil laugh enough that I could knock  
him off of my bed. I fell on top of him. We were a bundle of laughter. This was the point when I realised I was blushing.  
Phil was sitting right on top of me and I was helpless. Phil got up and offered me a hand, I went to take it when his face went white.  
He rushed out of the room and to the bathroom. I could hear vomitting noises coming from the other side of the door I  
realised my hand was bleeding, must've cut it on the skirting board. I knocked on the door and asked if he was okay Phil didn't like blood. I hope he didn't see my wrists, I yanked down the sleeves of my Attack on Titan hoodie which was put on in my panic of 'I'm late for something but I don't know what' period of time.

Phil came out white and shaky. I went over to him, put my arm round his shoulders and directed him to my bed, where we sat  
down. Phil looked as though he saw a ghost, was he really getting that bad? Was it his new meds? The doctor had just started  
to treat him.  
'Dan' He said in a hurt and shaky voice  
'Whats wrong?' I was getting scared, I was considering going to get him some water fron the kitchen. This wasn't like Phil  
'Your arms...Why?' A single tear rolled down his cheek.

He had seen everything.

 **Dun Dun Dun (Josh) Dun DUUUNNN**


	3. Chapter 3 - All Alone

DANS POV

Shit. I quickly pulled down my sleeve. Phil was in tears because of me. He hates me now, I know it.

'P-Phil I-I'm so sorry' I stammered, choking up my own tears.

'But why Dan?! Why didn't you say something?!' Phil was up on his feet and shouting down at me. I knew he hated me, it was inevitable. I got up and ran to my room. I locked the door and started writing

 _Phil,_

 _I'm so sorry that I did this to you. I had been suffering depression for years. I wouldn't let you see becase I knew this would happen. I know that you hate me now but please, do this for me. Think of it as... my last wish. Please forget about me, it won't be hard. Whether I write this letter or not you will forget about me. I'm not something to dwell on. You'll find a new best friend and hey, at least you have Pj and Chris. I'm sorry Phil, but if you want to know more then look inside my pillowcase. I have a bunch of diary entries they will explain._

 _I love you Phil._

 _-Dan x_

'Dan? Dan please I just want to talk to you! I'm so sorry, Please come out!' I hesitated. Phil was banging on the door, screaming and crying for me to come out. It seemed like he really, genuinely cared. No. I needed to do this. He would never look at me the same way. He knows I'm a psychopath now. I reached over, into my drawer and pulled out a rand new razor, I took it off of the pencil sharpener last night. I tested it on my finger. It was sharp enough. Good. I made a few cuts om the middle of my arm before moving up to where my veins were. I put the blade of the razor on top of them. This is it. I dragged the blade across my skin in two swift movements before I fell to the ground.

Phil's POV

I ran to Dan's room and started to hammer on the door

'Dan! Dan please come out I just want to talk to you!' No answer. Panicking I started to scream and cry and kick at his door.

'Dan?!' There was a loud thud from his room. I froze. I kicked the door as hard as I could. Wow, I knocked it off its hinges. As I ran into his room I was met with a sight that would scar me forever. Dan was lying on a pool of his own blood. His carpet was stained with the crimson liquid I hated so much. I felt a burning in my throat and I threw up down myself. I ran over to Dan and picked up his lifeless body.

'Dan! Dan! Dan! Please don't do this to me! Dan!' I repeated his name over and over until I noticed his phone on his bed. I grabbed it and dialled the emergency number and explained the situation. There was an ambulance within the next five minutes, although it felt like five hours. They had to pry his body away form me to put on the stretcher. They called the hospital name to me as the scrambled into the ambulance and drove away. I collapsed to the ground completely and sobbed. I was all alone.


	4. Chapter 4 - Hope

**_Hey guys. I'm so sorry there hasn't been a new chapter in forever but now I'm on Christmas break so here have a new chapter! (Also yuri! on ice is currently my life! Anybody else?)_**

PHILS POV

Hyperventilating, I ran down to the hospital because I dont have a car and it may be quicker to run than wait for a cab. I arrived and ran inside. The reception lady looked up at me from her book me and asked  
'Can I help you?' she looked up and down at me with disgust, I must look a mess.  
'Uh Um I need...I need to see Dan- Daniel Howell' She spent about 1 minute on her computer and said  
'Immediate family only' Of course, shit uuuuum,  
'I'm his cousin' Idiot! Nobody would fall for that! She sighed.  
'Fine. He's just got out of surgery . If you feel the need go up to room 513, floor 3.'  
I thanked her and ran to the elevator. I hammered on the buttons.  
'Come on, come on, Come on DAMNIT!' The old couple looked over at me, I must look crazy. Panicking I ran to the stairs and along the corridor 510, 511, 512, 513! I  
stopped. Would Dan really want me there? This is my fault, but I had to try. I gathered myself together and knocked on the door and entered 'Dan?' I saw him lying in  
the bed, nobody was there. Nobody knew a thing. A tear rolled down my cheek 'Dan, I'm so sorry this is all my fault.' I walked over to his bed and placed myself on a  
chair next to his bed and took his hand and held them inside mine. He didn't stir. He wasn't dead. I could at least deduct that, then again so could anybody. The doctor  
came in and sat down. I saw the look on her face and almost started to cry again.  
'Daniel has suffered form major blood loss and has fallen into a coma. He won't make it. His blood is AB- and we have no donors. Only  
about 1% of the Caucasian population have this type of blood and there is only the slightest chance he will survive. He will only last a few more days, if that I would  
be obligated to suggest that you say your goodbyes now. I'm so sorry for your loss.'  
I stopped crying. 'No.' I stood up. She looked up at me with the greatest confusion  
'No? But sir, he won't make it.' Her eyes widened. 'You're not suggesting what I think you're suggesting are you? We can't do a blood test now!'  
'BUT THATS MY BLOOD TYPE!' I interrupted, half shouting.  
'Very well. If you're certain, I will talk to the doctor about a blood transfusion. You're 100% sure? It may not work, and it could kill you.' She seemed to be in disbelief.  
'Yes.' I confirmed, firmly. I had to save Dan, even if my own life was at risk. ' I don't care'

 _ **Omg Drama! This is gonna be where it gets interesting!**_


	5. Chapter 5 - Are you sure?

_**Hey guys! Sorry this chapter is so short, its mainly just a filler. The final episode of yoi though omg I'm dead**_

NURSES POV

'You're absolutely sure about this? Philip, you do realise, this could kill you.' I warned him. Stupid boy! What is he trying to accomplish by this anyway? It could get him killed. Why is he willing to risk his life, for Dan!? Dan has tried to kill himself 3 times now. Come to think of it though, since he met Phil, he hasn't tried anything stupid. Huh. Phil rolled his eyes again. He shouldn't have to do this.  
'I told you before and I'll tell you again. Yes, I'm 101% sure I want to do this. Dan's here because of me and so I WILL fix it! Even if I have to put my life on the line. I don't care. I love him and he's dying because of me. I will do whatever I can to save him! I wont be able to live with myself!' Phil almost shouted. He was getting too worked up. We won't be able to do the surgery at this rate.  
'I'm sorry. I'm getting too worked up. I'm calm now. Can we please do this I'm getting restless.' He apologised  
'Alright' I told him 'Let's go.'

PHILS POV

The nurse walked me into the operating room. Dan was lying on a bed wired up to all kinds of machines. I walked over to him, he looked so peaceful. I brushed his hair out  
of the way and kissed his forehead. Repositioning his hair I whispered in his ear that this was all for him and I loved him more than JJ loves himself. (Its a yoi reference) I stepped back and took what could be my very last look at Dan. Even now, he doesn't cease to be beautiful. I turned around to face the doctors and nurses who had started to gather into the room and ready equipment.  
'Ready? There is no turning back.' Asked the nurse  
'I'm not sure that I can roll my eyes back further, Yes, I'm 101% sure I want to do this. I won't be able to live with myself if I don't and he dies' I told her, reassuringly  
'Alright then.' She said, sighing 'Lets get started'  
I laid down and closed my eyes. There was no going back now. My last thoughts before being medically drugged were Dan, smiling at me. Then it went black.


	6. Chapter 6

DANS POV

I sat up and opened my eyes, suddenly concious. Everything around me was mixed gold and black fog 'Where am I' I think to myself. It was at this point that I saw  
Phil lying on the ground. 'NO!' I cried out. I ran over to him and picked up his cold, lifeless body. 'Phil? ohmygod what happened his is all my fault what do I do ohgod Phil  
don't leave me please don't be dead plase please please ohmygod I'm so sorry this is all my fault' I rambled on and on, terrified. Phil wasn't breathing. He seemed to be dead  
'Dan?' I gasped Phil said my name. What even?  
'I thought that you were dead?! You weren't breathing and ohmygod I'm so glad that you're okay!'I stroked his face. He was so weak. Was this because of me? 'Phil what's-'  
'Of course you'd be confused.'Phil murmered.  
'Phil? You're scaring me..'  
'Dan. You lost a lot of blood. We're supposed to be in surgery right now. They're doing a blood transfusion. I'm probably going to die, they warned me but I don't care!' I was  
shocked 'Phil. You- You chose to do this for...Me?! But I was supposed to die! I'm supposed to be dead!' I started to cry 'This wasn't how its supposed to go!' Did you even  
read my note?! My journal?! I was supposed to die Phil! Not you!' Tears fell over his face.  
'I'm sorry Dan... I just...wanted...to save you..I ...Da.n.'All life lost his body. He gave his life up for me. ME! Why? I have no idea, but I do know one thing.  
He died for nothing...because he loved me back.

DOCTORS POV

'WAIT! THATS TOO MUCH BLOOD!' I shouted. 'STOP YOU'RE GOING TO KILL HIM!' Everyone stpped in their tracks and started to extract blood from Dan and input it into Phil.  
We were going to lose Phil at this rate. We needed to give him some blood back. He was slipping. 'HURRY WE'RE LOSING HIM!' This kinda knocked sense into them and make  
them realise, this is the REAL deal. Most of these doctors had just finished training and didn't really know what they were doing.  
We were finally able to stabalize him and finish the surgery without any death. I wheeled the two boys out of the surgery room and into a room together. Lucky save.  
-


	7. Chapter 7 - It happens

_**Hey! Before you start reading I would really appreciate if you could go read this because its a freakin amazing fic and has saved my life twice thanks!**_

 _ **s/11688507/1/Fix-Me-A-Phan-High-School-AU**_

DANS POV

I flew up, gasping. I looked around. I was in a pale beige room, similar to my collage room. My arm was wired to a machine. Damn. The room was empty, besides me and..  
'PHIL!' I tore myself from the bed, causing a loud beep to come from the machine that I ripped myself from. Wires pinged towards the metal machine as I ran over to Phil.  
'Phil! You moron! Why would you do this? You-' I was cut off by a small groan 'Mnnn, Dan stop shouting I can hear you.' Phil barely managed to whisper.  
'OhMyGod how? H-How are y-you alive? I stammered. It didn't make sense, he died in my arms didn't he?  
'Dan?' Phil asked 'Yeah?' I replied, taking his hand and leaning closer so I could hear him.  
'Are you okay?' He asked. He almost died, he can barely breathe and he's asking if I'm okay!?  
'No! You almost died Phil! That can't happen! Especially if it's my fault, I love you! I can't lose you!' I told him.  
'I know, I read your journal' He reminded me 'Dan?' He asked.  
'Yeah?' I replied, slightly confused 'Close your eyes' He told me

PHILS POV

'Close your eyes.' I told him.  
'Okay' And he did. I held his face in my hand and stroked his face with my thumb. I closed my eyes and kissed him. He kissed me back. It was short, soft, sweet. He didn't force himself upon me or push me away, he just kissed me sweetly back. 'I love you Phil, so much. We'll make it through this. I promise.' He told me stroking my hair.  
'Oka-' I was interrupted by a flurry of nurses bursting into the room. Ah they thought he was dead. He unpluged humself, of course they would be worried. Even so we jumped back, well duh, we were taken by suprrise. They pulled Dan away from my grasp and back into bed. Scolding him they left the room.  
'Yeah Dan, naughty naughty you got caughtie' I joked, raising my eyebrows. He was giggling at my comment.  
'Shut it you' He laughed at me. He fell asleep not long after. I, however didn't strangely enough 'Everything you want, but it's everything you need. It's not always happy endings, but it's all the in-between. It's taken so long, so long to finally see that your love is worth the risk' I quietly sang myself to sleep.  
(The song is called safe by Britt Nicole btw)

 _ **Hey! SO IT HAPPENED! THEY KISSED! AHH**_


	8. Chapter 8 - A new beginning

DANS POV

We were thankfully let out of the hospital after about another week of waiting. Thankfully we both survived. I stared lovingly into his eyes from across the table. Its a nice cafe on the corner of the street and now that I think about It kinds reminds me of Anteiku from Tokyo Ghuol. We held hands from across the table, We didn't have much drink left. His hands were soft and warm. He smiled up at me happily, I couldn't smile more.  
''Dan?''  
''Yeah?''  
''I love you''  
''I love you too Phil, so much.'' He laughed then leaned across the table and kissed me. Blushing, I kissed him back. His lips were soft and slightly chapped. I could taste his lip balm a little. He was slow and didn't ress too hard or force himself upon me. I loved him so much.

PHILS POV

I took a chance and kissed him. Luckily he didn't pull back or push away. His lips were chapped from biting them but he was warm and nervous, it was freakin adorable.  
I pulled away slowly and saw him beaming at me, I giggled nervously and poked his dimple ''Aw don't cry child'' He burst out laughing.  
''Meanie'' He said, booping my nose. I sat back in my seat and twiddled my thumbs, still pink from that very public kiss.  
''Dan?''  
''Yeah?''  
''I'm going to the bathroom, will you be okay?''  
''..Yeah''  
''Alright, be back in a sec, I love you''  
''I love you too.'' and I left the room

By the time I had got back Dan was playing with the bottom of his sleeves, popping the button of his shirt on and out and tapping.  
''Dan? I'm back, you okay baby?''  
''U-uh what? Oh uhh y-yeah I'm f-fine.'' He wasn't being very convincing. I gave him a hug and offered to take him home. There was't much left of our drinks left anyway.  
''Yes please'' I wrapped my arm around his waist and we home. Dan would be fine, but I could see his anxeity kicking in at the cafe. We cuddled on his bed, him snuggling into me.  
''How are you so damn cute?'' he asked, poking my cheek ''I don't kno but you're much cuter''  
''Aw babe I feel special'' he told me, giggling cutely.  
''You are special''I reminded him.  
''Haha awe thankyou babe'' He said. I snuck in a kiss when I thought he wasn't looking. ''Ha! Caught you!'' He kissed me instead. We fell asleep soon after.

-THE NEXT MORNING-

DANS POV

I woke up still wrapped in Phils arms. He makes me feel so special. Although the bandages on my wrists were itchy, they were due to come off later today. I waited for him to wake up so I could stay in his arms longer.  
''Heya'' I heard him whisper to me ''Morning sleepyhead'' I replied, smiling.  
''Do you want to play some games? I'll make omlettes too if you want.'' He suggested ''Sure'' I rolled onto my back as he left the room. I sighed contently and got changed into black skinny jeans and a black jumper. The smell of omlettes afted up the stairs and into my nostrills. I opened my curtains and looked out the window.  
''OH MY GOD!''


	9. Chapter 9 - Its all white (filler)

PHILS POV

I hummed History Maker as I made Dan and I our breakfast-  
'Oh my god!' Dan yelled from upstairs  
'Dan?! Baby is everything okay? Are you hurt?' I shouted up the stairs  
'Yeah but Phil, look out the window!' I relaxed and looked out the window  
'Holy crap! Is this even real?! I cried. Snowflakes fell to the ground, creating a thick and fluffy layer of snow. This is amazing! Snow, In London!  
'I know right!' Dan ran down the stairs and enveloped me in his arms. At least he was in a good mood. Dan hates hospitals.  
'Haha hey there you!' I exclaimed, smiling. 'You have emerged!' I turned around and wrapped my arms around his waist happily 'I love you Dan' He would need all the support he could get.  
'I love you too Phil' He said sweetly. We continued to snuggle like this for awhile and I forgot all about the food. Ohwell.

DANS POV

I buried my face into his chest as he called the taxi  
'Phil?'  
'Yeah?'  
'I'm...scared...'  
'Don't be. All they're going to do is take the bandages off.'  
'I know..'  
'I'll stay with you 'till the day I die okay?'  
'Thankyou, Phil. I love you'  
'I love you too' he gave me a little squeeze, reassuring me and he got in the taxi. We drove through the sparkling snow. The giant hospital loomed above us as though we were peasants. We thanked and paid the driver and entered the huge building. Phil squeezed my hold hands.  
'Lets do this' He said to me. I nodded.  
'Lets do this'


	10. Chapter 10

**AUTHORS NOTE - I just wanted to say thanks for sticking around because the upload schedule is pretty messy. I also wanted to point out that reviews mean a lot to me, they give me more motivation and inspiration to write. Okay thanks!**

 **DANS POV**  
We walked through the corridors and checked me in. We sat in the waiting room anxiously waiting for the doctor to call me.  
'It'll be okay' Phil squeezed my hand comfortingly.  
'I know' I replied, quickly kissing him. He blushed and kissed me back. A few minutes later the doctor called me into the room.  
'Daniel James Howell please' Phil got up and pulled me up with him. I got up and followed him into the office. We sat down, hands still entwined.  
'My name is Doctor Smith, Pleased to meet you.' He offered his and we both shook it. 'So, how have you been the past two weeks Dan?' I smiled at Phil.  
'Better than ever doc. Can we get these things off please?' I said motioning to the bandages entangling my wrists in a clump of white material. The doctor laughed and gave us both a look. Phil matched my expression and we looked at him pleadingly.  
'Alright alright Come on you lovesick puppies.' He said, laughing. He got up and took a pair of scissors. 'Ready?' He double-checked, sliding the thin blades around the thin, sturdy material wrapped around my arm.  
'Yes' We said in unison. He laughed and closed the scissors, cutting the material into two. It gracefully fell down as he let Phil gently unravel the bandages from my arm. My wrist gasped for air as the last of the bandages fell onto my legs. Indents from the bandages printed onto my arms and I poked them laughing. I didn't turn my arms over, I just pulled my sleeve down and headed home with Phil. He rubbed his thumb on my hand to soothe me as we walked through the snow.

PHILS POV  
*A FEW MONTHS LATER*  
'Daaan?' I said annoyingly  
'Yeeess' He replied in the same tone  
'What's the date tomorrow?' I said, clearly hinting at something  
'It's the- O-oh.. I completely forgot' He stopped, falling on the sofa. It was valentines day tomorrow and he had completely forgot. 'Can I? You know?' He motioned at the door  
'Of course!' I laughed. He wanted to go and get me a present. I knew he was going to beat himself up about it so I had to keep spirits high. It shouldn't be too hard, I mean Dan loved  
just my presence alone. He returned about half an hour later using his key and I hid my face, he clearly wanted it to be a surprise. I heard the door creak open  
'Dan?-' I asked before he tackle hugged me 'Aghh!' I cried, both of us laughing immensely.  
'Tuesday the 14th February' I said, ticking the date off of our calendar 'Happy valentines day Dan' I said, bringing him pancakes.  
'Haha you too' He said, looking up at me happily and cupping my cheek with his hand. I folded my arms over his shoulders like a necklace and kissed him. 'Come on Spider-Man, Breakfast calls' He teased  
'Okay Jane' I sat down happily and tucked in.  
'Oh! Your stuff!' Dan exclaimed, rushing out of the room. I laughed and went to my room to get his gifts. We reunited at the table and exchanged gifts.  
'Thank-you' We said in unison, following this was laughter. It was ridiculous really but we were happy, really happy. I tore the wrapping paper off and gasped. It was beautiful. A golden ring lay in the soft velvety box. I covered my mouth and my eyes welled with tears. I took it out carefully and put it on. The words 'I love you' were engraved inside.  
'I-It's a promise ring' He said quickly  
'Oh Dan!' I cried, tears flying everywhere 'It's perfect!' He hugged me back  
'I'm glad you like it' he said. His gift lay forgotten on the floor and I hugged him, tears flowing freely.


End file.
